Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?
If you are reading this blog, you may find yourself wondering…does marriage counseling really work? Perhaps you are considering marriage counseling for the first time, or maybe you’ve had some previous marriage counseling experiences that have been discouraging or disheartening.
Many couples have some reservations about going to couples counseling. Here are some common myths and misconceptions about couples counseling.
Common Myths and Misconceptions about Marriage Counseling:
Myth: We have to be on the brink of divorce to go to couples counseling.
Truth: Couples often do even better in counseling when they seek help before they
are on the brink! When couples can still identify their strengths and express love to each other, they are primed to work on the tougher challenges of life. Even if you are on the brink but still think there are reasons to stay together, couples counseling can be beneficial.
Myth: My partner is the problem!
Truth: Many couples are in an unhealthy dance with each other, and when both partners start addressing their side of the dance, the relationship improves. (Note: there are relationships where one partner is primarily responsible for the disconnect - see examples below under “indicators of unsuccessful marriage therapy”).
Myth: Our love should be enough.
Truth: Love in a committed, long-term relationship requires nurturing and attention. Even if your original feelings of love were strong, it is very normal to find yourself needing to adjust communication or connection patterns as you age and your relationship reaches new stages.
Myth: Our relationship is fine just as it is.
Truth: If there are indicators that your relationship is NOT fine (e.g., affairs, high conflict, emotional distance), it may be that you and/or your partner are in a state of denial about how disconnected you are. Honesty about what is affecting your relationship in a negative way can be a huge first step toward healing.
If you resonate with any of the myths or just feel skeptical about marriage counseling in general, there is good news! According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the success rate of marriage counseling is around 70%. Research also shows that couples who seek out therapy increase their chances of staying together and report improved communication and connection with each other.
Indicators of Successful Marriage Therapy
Increasing levels of commitment to the relationship
Increasing empathy
Increasing emotional connection
Setting aside quality time with each other to connect and work through challenges
Improving communication that includes curiosity about the partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives
Indicators of Unsuccessful Marriage Therapy
Low levels of commitment by one or both partners
Underlying issues of abuse, infidelity, addictions, or other unresolved mental health concerns
Communication roadblocks (Gottman suggests that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the “four horsemen” that contribute to a failing relationship)
Couple doesn’t feel their therapist is a good fit or doesn’t understand their particular story or concerns
If you are interested in trying couples counseling for the first time, we would love to support you. If you have had some negative experiences with marriage work in the past, we would love to address what went wrong and work with you to reach your goals.
This Post Written By:
Roxane Thorstad, PsyD – Journeys Counseling Center
301 W. Warner Rd, Suite 133
Tempe, Arizona 85284
Phone: (480) 656-0500
Email: roxane@journeyscounselingaz.com
