Emotional Disconnection: The Pursuer and Distancer Dynamic

Mar 11

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According to many of the best attachment and relationship experts, when couples disconnect, two opposing patterns tend to emerge. One partner tends to “pursue” the other, and the other tends to “distance.” The Gottmans, highly renowned relationship experts, state that this common dynamic is often the downfall of marriages if the pattern isn’t interrupted. The antidote to this way of disconnecting is to become safe for your partner. Once you identify your typical role in the conflict, check out our practical tips for building a relational environment of safety.

What is the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern?

Pursuers in Romantic Relationships:

Turn up the emotional heat
Want to know their partner’s inner world
Push for closeness
Have difficulty tolerating space or distance, particularly in times of conflict
Can be expressed as irritation, frustration, or other strong emotions

Without a soft, vulnerable approach, or when triggered, pursuers can become or be perceived as critical, nagging, blaming, and aggressive. These actions are their protection against vulnerability. The worst experience in the world for a pursuer is to feel abandoned or alone.

Distancers in Romantic Relationships:

Turn down the emotional heat
Want to protect the relationship by making everything “fine”
Desire to calm things down by shutting down
Often needs space or time after a disconnect or conflict
Have difficulty staying in a fight when the intensity is too high

When triggered, a distancer may minimize, defend, fix, shut down, or walk away. These actions are their protection against vulnerability. The worst experience in the world for a distancer is to feel like they have failed.

This pattern creates a cycle of conflict that tends to drive couples further apart. However, the ultimate enemy is the emotional disconnection, not our partners. When we are emotionally disconnected, we stop reaching vulnerably toward one another and start protecting ourselves from each other.

The more safety we can create by communicating to our partner that we are emotionally safe (e.g. accessible, responsive, and engaged) - Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, 2008, the more we can draw each other out to increase our risks of vulnerability and be known and connected.

Practical Steps to Create Emotional Safety

Identify your role in the conflict cycle and interrupt it
Become more familiar with what triggers you and what you do in response
Share 3 emotions that you experienced today with your partner
Create moments of laughter
Create moments of shared activities where you are “shoulder to shoulder” (walking, hiking, cooking, etc) - these can take the pressure off of more intense “face to face” interactions
Google or purchase questions or card decks of questions designed to stimulate emotionally connecting questions
Spend time together without screens
Increase opportunities for sensory bonding (eye contact, touch, talking, etc)

Questions to Ask Your Partner

Do you have an early memory of comfort? Who did you reach for when you were scared, sad, or alone? How did they respond?
What are some ways that you have been emotionally safe with one another?
How can you increase your ability to be emotionally safe with one another?
What behaviors do you exhibit when you are self-protecting during conflict? Do you tend to identify with pursuer or distancer responses? How can you identify and interrupt the cycle together?
What is one practical step you might take to increase your safety and connection with each other?

For more assistance exploring your conflict dynamic as a couple and increasing your emotional safety, contact one of our knowledgeable therapists. We work on all these same dynamics in our own relationships, and we would love to walk alongside you as you unpack your own dance.