The Good Old Days - Or Are They?
How Couples Can Utilize the Strengths of Their Early Relationship or Decide to Build Something Entirely New
Once we hit our late 20s and beyond, most of us can relate to the experience of nostalgia and thinking about the “good old days”. Some of us think about the glory days of high school, others remember the freedom of their roaring twenties, still others long for the days when their kids were little and cute, and many remember with fondness the early romantic days of their relationships. Other times, we look back with disappointment and regret and don’t have any of the positive nostalgia that others seem to have. In couples work, it is important to know your story and what type of foundation you built your relationship on.
The Good Old Days
Some couples have a healthy start - they were attracted to one another, they had a strong emotional connection, and they had a solid friendship. For those couples, it can be fun to go down memory lane and rebuild/reinvent some things they used to have with one another that they lost along the way due to busy schedules, having kids, or other changes to their environment/circumstances. If you had a positive start, have fun answering these questions with your partner.
Nostalgic Questions to Ask Your Partner:
What was your favorite thing about your partner when you first met?
What is your love story? (Take turns)
What was your favorite trip in the first few years when you felt really connected to each other?
What was a specific time that you felt connected to your spouse?
When did you know you wanted to be with your partner for the rest of your life?
Questions to Ask Your Partner about the Future:
In recalling those stories or times, what could you pull through to your current circumstances?
Keeping in mind some of the barriers to that more “ideal” time, what would be both practical now and something you might both look forward to with each other?
Make a list of small and big things that you would really like to do with your partner. Take turns and find the things that you both like to do to plan your activities.
The Not-So-Good Old Days
Other couples had a rocky start. They didn’t develop a strong friendship, attraction, or sexuality was broken right from the start, or their emotional connection was thwarted for one reason or another. Other times, one partner has a very different perception of the beginning of the relationship than the other due to family of origin, trauma, or another barrier. There is sometimes very little or nothing for the couple to “get back to” or rebuild from. If you find yourself relating to this category, hopefully, it is normalizing to know that you are not alone.
Questions to Ask Your Partner:
When are you most likely to feel loved? Valued?
Describe some times when you felt loved and valued by your partner or with a safe family member or friend?
What is your ideal way of connecting with your partner?
What do you like to do (or what do you think you might like to do) with your partner (hobbies, exercise, dates, travel, work, etc)?
Questions to Ask Your Partner about the Future:
List a couple of possible connecting activities that come to mind through the above conversation and then discuss with each other to find win-wins.
In the coming months, how would you know if you were connecting with your spouse better?
When you picture connecting, what things come to mind?
Whether you had a romantic or challenging start to your relationship, it is never too late to take inventory of what you could do differently to foster a deeper connection. If a little nostalgia about the good ol’ days helps you come up with ideas for your future, that’s great. Conversely, if you find yourself needing to try something entirely new, that works just as well and is nothing to be ashamed of. Having a couples counselor that you trust can be an additional support to this process. Contact us at contact@journeyscounselingaz.com if you would like to connect to one of our great couples counselors.
This Post Written By:
Roxane Thorstad, PsyD & Terry Thorstad, LPC
Journeys Counseling Center
6516 S. Rural Road, Suite 101
Tempe, Arizona 85283
Phone: (480) 656-0500
Email: roxane@journeyscounselingaz.com & terry@journeyscounselingaz.com
