It Takes Two to Tango: Commitment and Empathy
Making serious changes in a relationship takes two. And, both commitment and empathy are dimensions of a relationship that can provide valuable insights and help couples move through an impasse. Changing our dance steps really does matter!
Commitment has everything to do with how motivated we are to change our behaviors and practice a different pattern with our partners. Being honest with ourselves and our partners about our commitment level can be a healthy start toward change and connection.
And, empathy is the pathway toward a deeper understanding of our partners and can help partners share different perspectives of the relationship without it feeling threatening. The following exercises are designed to help couples self-reflect on their commitment levels and their ability to empathize with one another.
Commitment Self-Reflection
For each partner, answer the following question:
On a scale of 0-10 (0 being not committed at all and 10 being the most committed), how committed are you to your partner at this stage of life?
If you scored high on the scale (6-10), work through the following questions:
Since you scored high, describe what that level of commitment looks like.
What are the behaviors you have that demonstrate your commitment?
When you think of the challenges in your relationship, how does your level of commitment affect those challenges?
What are your reasons for this high level of commitment (spirituality, religious belief, belief in your partner, love for your partner, your children, financial, etc)?
If you scored in the mid-range on the scale (4-5), work through the following questions:
What changes/improvements in the relationship would increase your individual level of commitment?
What individual changes are you willing to make that would improve your level of commitment to the relationship?
If you used to have a higher level of commitment, what changed for you between then and now?
If you scored in the low range on the scale (0-3), work through the following questions:
If your commitment level is low and your spouse’s is higher, what does that mean for you as an individual?
What does that mean for your relationship?
Are you able to have an honest conversation with your spouse about your low level of commitment?
What changes/improvements in the relationship would increase your individual level of commitment?
What individual changes are you willing to make that would improve your level of commitment to the relationship?
Empathy Exercises for Couples
“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.” - Alfred Adler
Empathy is essentially putting yourself in the shoes of another person while putting your own thoughts and feelings aside. It allows you to understand someone else’s perspective and even feel how they might feel given their perspective.
What Affects Empathy?
Some people have personalities that make them more or less empathic with others. For example, more pragmatic people sometimes have a difficult time feeling what someone else might be feeling and have to work harder to understand it.
Sometimes circumstances change your ability to be empathic. In general, when we are stressed or distracted, we tend to have less empathy.
Communicating about whether or not you can be curious, open, and empathic in a conversation can be very important. Sometimes it is better to postpone a conversation if someone is not prepared to be empathic.
Increased empathy can be developed even if you aren’t a natural at it, but it may take some work.
Empathy Reflection Questions
Considering what empathy is, how would you rate your typical capacity for empathy (scale 0-10)?
What are the circumstances that decrease your capacity for empathy?
What are the circumstances that increase your capacity for empathy?
What helps you feel more empathy toward your spouse?
Practical Steps for How to Navigate or Practice Empathy in Your Relationship
Consider your ability to empathize with the other before starting hard conversations and set aside a time where you are more likely to have empathy for those challenging talks.
Practice the skill of empathy in therapy with guidance and coaching, especially if you and your spouse have never had the consistent ability to empathize with one another or if you came from families where it was not utilized.
Use active listening skills like validating, clarifying, and summarizing what you are hearing from the other person.
Increase your emotional vocabulary so that you can hear someone describe a wide variety of feelings, and you can share your own feelings with more expressive language.
No matter where we end up on the scales, we can acknowledge where we need work to improve the overall health of the relationship. High commitment and high empathy help couples manage challenging times. Both individual and couples therapy can help you sort out the more challenging reflections and behavior changes. If these exercises leave you with more questions than answers regarding your relationship or you would like some help with personal growth in these areas, feel free to contact us for additional support.
This Post Written By:
Roxane Thorstad, PsyD & Terry Thorstad, LPC
Journeys Counseling Center
6516 S. Rural Road, Suite 101
Tempe, Arizona 85283
Phone: (480) 656-0500
Email: roxane@journeyscounselingaz.com & terry@journeyscounselingaz.com
