What is Forgiveness?
You’ve probably heard the phrase "forgive and forget" or maybe grew up in a religious household where forgiveness was emphasized. But when you think about it, you might wonder, How do I actually forgive? or What’s the point of forgiveness? These are important questions—and ones that are worth exploring.
Forgiveness is often more complicated than we are told. It’s not a simple, one-time action. There’s no 3-step process that guarantees forgiveness. In fact, forgiveness can feel like a moving target, especially when we are carrying hurt or resentment. So let’s break it down and look at what forgiveness really is, what it isn’t, and why it’s so essential for your mental and emotional health.
What is Forgiveness?
According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness means putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has wronged you. Essentially, it’s about letting go of bitterness and anger towards someone who hurt you. But, forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, and it’s not always easy.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Let’s clear up some misconceptions:
Forgiveness is not forgetting. While you might be able to forgive and forget in some situations, deeper wounds may stay with you. It’s okay if you don’t forget the hurt, but forgiveness is about choosing to release the hold it has over you.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event. You might forgive someone, only to find that, years later, the pain resurfaces. This doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. It simply means forgiveness is a process—and it may need to be revisited as emotions come up.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s not always easy, but it’s a decision you make to release resentment and bitterness, even if the feelings don’t fade right away.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You don’t have to have a relationship with the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the emotional burden, not necessarily rebuilding the relationship.
Why is Forgiveness Important?
Forgiveness is essential for your well-being. Holding onto resentment can be like carrying a heavy backpack or blanket for years. Over time, that weight wears you down—physically, emotionally, and mentally. You might also be giving the person who hurt you real estate in your mind. That’s energy you could be investing in yourself, your growth, and your healing.
I’ve personally learned the hard way that holding on to anger and resentment can affect your health in ways you might not expect. Forgiveness doesn’t just help you emotionally—it can also improve your physical health, too.
The Power of Forgiveness: It’s About You, Not Them
In many ways, forgiveness is about you—not the person who harmed you. It’s a way to release yourself from the emotional weight of past hurts so you can move forward. Letting go of bitterness allows you to regain control over your life and your peace of mind.
How Do I Forgive?
This is where the real work begins. Forgiveness isn’t a quick fix, but it’s possible. While there’s no clear-cut formula, there are ways to begin the journey:
Acknowledge your feelings. Forgiveness starts with understanding the hurt you’ve experienced. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, or betrayal before you try to move on.
Work through your pain. Dr. Frank Anderson, a well-known psychiatrist, suggests that you need to process the emotions of pain, anger, and shame before you can truly forgive. It’s okay if you don’t forgive immediately. It’s part of the process.
Embrace the ups and downs. Forgiveness can feel like a grieving process. Some days, you may feel like you’ve fully forgiven, only to wake up the next day and feel angry again. If that happens, don’t worry. It’s all part of the healing journey.
Your Next Step: Begin the Forgiveness Journey
Remember, forgiveness is a process, not a destination. It’s not about achieving a specific feeling but making a choice to release bitterness and emotional burden. Start where you are, feel the pain, and ask yourself if you’re ready to take the first step toward forgiveness. The journey won’t be easy, but it’s worth it.
This Post Written By:
Houston Hough, LPC – Journeys Counseling Center
301 W. Warner Rd, Suite 133
Tempe, Arizona 85284
Phone: (480) 656-0500 x 16
Email: houston@journeyscounselingaz.com
