What Do We Do When Self-Care Doesn’t Quite Work?
You might have some ideas or past experiences of what therapy may look like. In seeking therapy, you are likely looking for solutions or “fixes” to your current issues so that you can start feeling better quickly. Prioritizing self-care including physical, mental, spiritual, and relational health can be a great starting point. These solution-focused, short-term strategies can help begin the process of healing.
But what do we do when self-care doesn’t quite work?
Oftentimes, the real growth and healing takes place when diving deeper into past traumatic experiences that may shape how we respond to what is taking place today.
There are multiple models of therapy that can help us process past trauma. For example, using the Internal Family Systems model, we can discover what “parts” of us are feeling and how those “parts” might be trying to protect us from experiencing uncomfortable emotions. These “parts” might be us at a younger stage in life that have believed a false narrative or past hurts that seem to bubble up, sometimes out of nowhere, even when we are doing everything we can to stay healthy and emotionally regulated.
For example, a client may be having a difficult time in their relationship with their spouse.
Client: “Things haven’t felt really great with my spouse.”
Therapist: “What happened?”
Client: “I wanted to tell her about something exciting at work and she didn’t really seem to care.”
Now, maybe it takes 30 minutes or 10 sessions, but we learn more about this part and eventually can come to a conclusion like this: “There was a part of me that felt alone and put down when I wanted to talk to her and she said she didn’t have time to talk about it. When I feel like that I start to shut down and pull away. I think it protects me from feeling more pain or feeling vulnerable until the emotion has subsided.”
If we were to continue with Internal Family Systems “parts” work, we could ask how do we know when that part shows up? What need can we express to help relieve the pain that part is experiencing? We could even speak to that part and give ourselves an opportunity to be curious and compassionate toward what it is experiencing.
Another model of therapy used to address trauma is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). If we transitioned to an EMDR focus, we could see if there is an earlier memory that we can float back to that feels familiar to what you’re experiencing now.
Client: “Yeah, back in high school I always hated it when I would start to tell a joke or story and my friends would interrupt me or start talking over me. There was one time where….”
Therapist: “What do you tell yourself when this happens? For example: I’m not important? No one cares? I’m not good enough? I’m unlovable?”
Client: “I feel small and unimportant when I bring that up.”
Now we discovered a trauma narrative: “I’m not important.” A narrative is something that you have most likely experienced multiple times throughout your life. When we have an experience or feeling that is reinforced in this way, we can often begin to look at life through this negative belief about ourselves. By creating a timeline of memories associated with it, we can pick a starting place, often the first or the worst memory, and begin the process of healing the difficult emotions associated with it.
Trauma work can be challenging. It can be difficult. It can be uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like we are bringing up old stuff that we have neatly tucked away as painful back then, but now unimportant, experiences. Often times I hear clients say “But it happened so long ago,” or “I’m embarrassed to even say this is something that came up because it feels so small.” No memory is too “small” or “silly” to process. There’s a reason it came up and that reason is probably associated with that larger narrative.
If you are looking for life-altering personal growth and want to discover how to regulate your emotions and resolve trauma, give us a call and we can talk!
This Post Written By:
Grant Pooley, LAC – Journeys Counseling Center
6516 S. Rural Road, Suite 101
Tempe, Arizona 85283
Phone: (480) 656-0500
Email: grant@journeyscounselingaz.com
