The Costumes We Wear
Fall is in the air and the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks! October is one of our family’s favorite months. One of the reasons we love it is that Terry’s (my husband and co-founder of Journeys) birthday is on October 31st, so he has always enjoyed wearing a costume and entertaining us with how he embraces his role for the day (a part of him will always be a bit of an aspiring actor). Our enjoyment of his amateur acting got me thinking about how much we operate in roles, wear masks, or show up as part of ourselves in certain situations.
In therapy, we often talk about the masks we wear or the different parts of ourselves. It can be challenging to find the authentic parts of ourselves and even harder to share those with others, especially if we have been hurt by people. By exploring these parts, we can often find beauty and resilience in how we have tried to protect ourselves. We can also find vulnerability and what we perceive as weakness or something we need to change or even parts of ourselves that create a sense of deep shame.
Therapy can be a safe space to explore your unique story and how different aspects of you have developed through your family and relational experiences. One of my instructors shared a particularly poignant way to consider our different “parts.” She likes to set out three bears on three chairs - all with different characteristics.
The first bear is a big grizzly - an angry looking protector and obviously larger than the other two bears. The second bear is a medium sized classic teddy bear - think Winnie the Pooh or Paddington. And, the last bear is a tiny, tattered baby bear. Already, the imagery starts to evoke some thoughts about the different parts of ourselves. As you might guess, it can be so helpful to consider how we were wounded, how we feel vulnerable, and when and where we are scared in our lives. In defense of that “baby bear”, most of us develop protective qualities in service of that little bear - whether that’s to get big and push others away, or shut down and numb to alleviate the pain, or even get out of the situation by avoiding or moving away from it. These are just a few of the primary strategies of the grizzly bear.
The goal of this “three bears in three chairs” exercise is to see how you, as an observer of yourself, can honor your vulnerabilities, understand your defenses, and then make wiser decisions about how to lean in or protect yourself in intentional and less reactive ways. This is the job of the classic teddy bear - to integrate the needs of the vulnerable bear AND of the grizzly bear.
Creating space to understand ourselves and learn new strategies for moving through pain and conflict provides a great service to our loved ones and improves our overall mental health. Therapy is a great place to accomplish these goals and take a closer look at how we interact with others.
And, even if this exercise is not up your alley or you just don’t like bears, perhaps you at least have some new costume ideas for the season. We have already laid out the Grizzly for Terry and plan to be entertained. 🙂
This Post Written By:
Roxane Thorstad, PsyD – Journeys Counseling Center
6516 S. Rural Road, Suite 101
Tempe, Arizona 85283
Phone: (480) 656-0500
Email: roxane@journeyscounselingaz.com
