What Are Boundaries?
What Are Boundaries?
When you hear the word "boundaries," what comes to mind? Maybe it’s, “Ugh, I hate that word,” or “Oh! Yeah! Those can be helpful!” Or perhaps, “No clue what that means,” or even, “Yeah, those have been weaponized against me—I crossed someone’s boundaries, but they never told me what the boundary was until afterward.”
So, what are boundaries?
According to the American Psychological Association, a boundary is a “psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps an individual or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” But what does this really mean?
In short, boundaries are meant to be helpful. They’re not about shutting people out but about inviting emotional intimacy (I’ll explain how). Someone once told me that a boundary is essentially about what you’re willing to accept. In other words, what are you comfortable putting up with?
Boundary vs. Rule: What’s the Difference?
This is a great question. Boundaries are often confused with rules, but they’re not the same thing. For example, saying, “Do not touch me whatsoever!” is a rule. But if you say, “As we grow in our relationship, I may feel more comfortable with physical affection,” that’s a boundary.
The key difference is that rules are rigid and unchanging, regardless of circumstances, people, or environment. Boundaries, on the other hand, are flexible—they can evolve based on the situation or relationship. Both serve important purposes, but they operate differently.
A Property Analogy: Understanding Boundaries and Rules
Let’s break it down with a property analogy:
The Property Line: Think of a rule as your property line—clear, non-negotiable, and unmovable. For example, you might have a rule that you won’t tolerate being cheated on. This applies no matter who you’re in a relationship with.
The House: This represents you—your core self.
The Fence: This is your boundary. The fence can move closer to the house when you feel safe and comfortable, like when you’re with a close friend who you trust with your deepest thoughts. Conversely, if you’re just getting to know someone, you might keep that fence farther away, allowing yourself time to decide if they’re safe enough to let in.
Limit Setting: This is where your boundary (the fence) meets the property line (the rule). For example, let’s say you ask your partner not to yell during arguments. If they continue to do so after you’ve asked them not to, you might decide to leave the room the next time it happens. This is setting a limit—it’s about enforcing your boundary after clear communication.
Types of Boundaries: External and Internal
Pia Mellody, a pioneer in trauma and addiction work, divided boundaries into two categories:
External Boundaries: These involve physical boundaries—your personal bubble.
Internal Boundaries: These encompass emotional, spiritual, and intellectual boundaries.
Let’s break these down further:
Emotional Boundaries: Imagine you’ve noticed your spouse speaking condescendingly to you. You might say, “I’m happy to have a conversation with you, but without the condescension.” This is setting an emotional boundary.
Spiritual Boundaries: These can be religious boundaries, like choosing not to discuss religion with someone who’s overly pushy about it. They can also be personal, like deciding to limit your worry time to 15 minutes a day.
Intellectual Boundaries: These involve your thoughts and ideas. If someone wants to discuss politics all night and that makes you uncomfortable, you might set a boundary by saying you’d rather not talk about politics.
Why Are Boundaries So Difficult?
Setting boundaries can feel like you’re shutting others out or abandoning them, and you might even be accused of that. This is especially challenging for people-pleasers. But remember: boundaries are about inviting in, not pushing out.
It can also be hard to maintain boundaries because you might feel mean or fear that someone will get angry. However, respecting your own boundaries is an act of self-love—and ultimately, it’s a way to show respect and care for others, too.
Next Steps
If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Boundaries are tough, but they’re also crucial. Start by practicing with safe, trusted people, and don’t hesitate to ask for feedback. You’ll build confidence as you communicate and implement one or two boundaries. Remind yourself that you are strong and courageous for doing this.
And if you need additional support, reach out! We’re here to help you navigate this journey. Most importantly, remember: You’ve got this!ou’re not good enough, you are a burden, you’re pathetic, or no one wants you.”
Sound familiar?
Why Do I Have an Inner Critic?
This is a good question. First, we are human, meaning we are imperfect, which means we all have an Inner Critic. Second, traumatic events (small "t" and big "T" traumas) can lead to or exacerbate our shame narrative. When we experience abuse, emotional neglect, and abandonment, such events can make us believe, “Something is wrong with me. No one else is like this. Everyone else is normal, but I am not.” Those messages are straight from our Inner Critic.
For example, if you experienced no physical touch growing up, there may be a subconscious message in you that says, “Something must be wrong with my body because no one shows me physical affection.” Over time, your Inner Critic takes that message and tells you, consciously, “You are not attractive. No one wants you. No one will ever touch you physically.” Additionally, when we are children, we may hear our parents’ Inner Critics, think those are normal, and then absorb that.
Shame and My Inner Critic
The two go hand-in-hand. Your Inner Critic usually is your shame narrative – the messages about who you are that are not true. This negative self-talk can significantly impact your self-esteem and overall mental health, leading to issues such as anxiety and depression.
How Can I Fix This?
To start, I encourage you to do the following:
Notice your Inner Critic’s messages. Observe how they make you feel. Notice how your body reacts physically, then see how you want to behave. For example, your Inner Critic tells you, “You are never going to get the promotion. You haven’t worked hard enough.” Next thing you know, your body feels like it’s shutting down. You feel numb and closed off, leading you to stare at your computer endlessly, wondering why you have worked so hard to get nothing in return. Or perhaps you experience your body going into overdrive, working harder than ever so you get noticed. Now you feel exhausted and overworked, and wonder when this will pay off.
Instead of complying with our Inner Critic’s messages, observe them and tell the Inner Critic, “Thank you for showing up. Would you please step aside?” Watch what happens next. Assuming it steps aside, observe your body and ask yourself, “How do I feel at the moment? Do I feel calm? At peace? Less agitated?” Then ask yourself, “What do my friends Grace and Compassion want me to know?”
What Does Healing Look Like for Me?
So many of us, understandably, want some type of formula. Give me A+B+C and then, poof! It’s solved! If only!
I believe one of the many beautiful parts of life is: we get to journey and wrestle. While the outcome can be rewarding, what really matters is the journey along the way. And our relationship journey with our Inner Critic is no exception. For example, when we criticize our Critic, it usually responds with more shame and condemnation. So, what if I show curiosity toward my Critic? What if I set a boundary with it? What if I hear what it says but not act on it?
At times, though, we may not recognize our Inner Critic’s voice because it sounds “normal.” So perhaps healing initially looks like learning to identify its voice and distinguishing it from truth’s voice. Or maybe it looks like taking a moment to breathe, be present in the moment, and compassionately tell your Inner Critic, ‘Thank you for showing. Could we speak later about this?”
Allowing trusted individuals into your journey can also be immensely helpful. We can share messages our Inner Critic haunts us with so that shame can be reduced. Finding people, including a therapist, can help us work through those condemning statements so they no longer grip us.
Concluding Thoughts
If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone, and there is an incredible amount of hope for you. You can heal; it may not look and feel like what you imagined, but as you reflect back one day, you may realize, “I actually love who I am.”
This Post Written By:
Houston Hough, LAC – Journeys Counseling Center
301 W. Warner Rd, Suite 133
Tempe, Arizona 85284
Phone: (480) 656-0500 x 16
Email: houston@journeyscounselingaz.com
