My Friend Anger
What Is Anger?
Have you ever considered that anger can actually be a good emotion? Have you ever wondered how it can help and serve you rather than hinder and harm?
For the longest time, I did not like anger. It felt scary, unpredictable, unsafe, and silencing. I believed that when people got angry, especially with me, they pushed themselves away from me and did not like me as a result. I really thought anger was an emotion people used to express themselves but to gain power and control.
The more I hear and learn about anger, the more I realize I’m wrong. According to Psychology Today, anger is “one of the basic emotions” and “prepares us to fight.” That is not necessarily “bad.” In fact, anger helps move us into action that can truly change us, our environments, and even our world.
The Purpose and Role of Anger
Anger as Protection:
First, anger serves to protect us and is a secondary emotion. When you peel the anger back, other emotions are present, namely fear, shame, and/or pain.
This, for me, feels relieving. When someone gets angry at me or I see them get angry at someone else, I think: “Huh! I wonder what they are experiencing underneath that anger right now.” And voila! Now I feel empathy for their pain, shame, sadness, etc. That does not mean I take on or absorb their anger. Rather, there is now an opportunity for relational intimacy. In other words, when someone expresses anger, they give me data about the moment beyond just being angry. Chances are, they are coming from a hurt place and need to be met with grace, compassion, and empathy.
Anger as a Healthy Emotion:
Second, anger, in and of itself, is a healthy emotion to feel and express. It wants to be known, heard, and seen, and when we stuff it down or suppress it, we honestly do ourselves more harm than good.
As I type this, I hear the pushback. “Ok, Houston, I see what you’re saying, but I hate anger. And whenever I express it, I end up raging.” Or the opposite happens. “Houston, my spouse yells at me, and I freeze. I shut down. I don’t know what to do.” Well, let’s chat.
Why Does Anger Feel So Scary?
To answer this question, I encourage you to do the following:
Go back in time. Imagine you as a child version of you. Once you have that younger you on board, ask them, “How do you feel about anger?” Then ask yourself, “How did my major caregivers (i.e., the people who raised me) model expressing anger?” Now, let your child self respond. Then, as you hear their response, notice how your nervous system reacts. Do you shudder? Do you feel activated? Do you roll your eyes? Do you start shutting down? Ok. Take a deep breath. Take another if you need. And what information did your younger self share with you?
When someone gets angry with you, what thoughts immediately pop up in your mind? “Shoot! Must’ve been my fault,” or “Ugh. I am the worst,” or “No one loves me,” or “How am I that bad?” or “What did I do wrong this time?” In this exercise, you may begin to see two things: 1. Your automatic thoughts and 2. A traumatic response.
Say you felt Dad get angry with you when you were young. He yelled at you and told you, “It’s your fault!” Ever since, when you experience someone yelling at you, you feel small, shamed, and unworthy. You may also have personalized this issue, meaning that you immediately took responsibility for what may not even be yours.
The Difference Between Rage and Anger
Simply put, rage is an unhealthy expression of anger. If you tend to rage or know others who do, it usually means you are expressing anger that may be carried (i.e., anger that you absorbed from someone else) and/or suppressed anger. Generally speaking, you will get temporary relief from raging but then usually feel terrible afterward.
Another way to think of rage is using IFS or Parts language. Your rage part is usually a firefighter (a protector) and will do whatever it can to ensure that the wounded part of you is not hurt again.
On the other hand, after you express anger, you will generally feel relief and not regret. Your body may feel activated, which is natural and normal, but you most likely will not feel a sense of dread, shame, or guilt after letting it go.
How to Express Anger Healthily
How do I express anger in a healthy way? I don’t want to rage but don’t want to suppress it either.
This is a really good question and frankly, a hard one to answer as I don’t believe one size fits all. But here is what I encourage you to think about and do: Will I permit myself to let my anger out? And if I accidentally rage, will I give myself grace rather than shame myself even more?
Next Steps
If this topic resonates with you and you want to improve your relationship with anger, reach out. Perhaps meeting with a therapist can help repair how you view anger and allow it to work for you rather than against you.
This Post Written By:
Houston Hough, LAC – Journeys Counseling Center
301 W. Warner Rd, Suite 133
Tempe, Arizona 85284
Phone: (480) 656-0500 x 16
Email: houston@journeyscounselingaz.com
