How to Silence Your Inner Critic: Effective Techniques for Overcoming Self-Criticism
What is an Inner Critic?
Ahhh! Yes! Our little frenemy that goes everywhere we go and evaluates us on everything we do. According to Dr. Martha Sweezy, an Internal Family Systems therapist, our inner critic is our “‘naive, hard-working, self-sacrificing, [and] protective parts with laudable goals.” Simply put, our Inner Critic is that voice inside our head that tells us messages such as, “Work harder! Go faster! Get leaner! Be more!” Worse - it can tell us, “You’re not good enough, you are a burden, you’re pathetic, or no one wants you.”
Sound familiar?
Why Do I Have an Inner Critic?
This is a good question. First, we are human, meaning we are imperfect, which means we all have an Inner Critic. Second, traumatic events (small "t" and big "T" traumas) can lead to or exacerbate our shame narrative. When we experience abuse, emotional neglect, and abandonment, such events can make us believe, “Something is wrong with me. No one else is like this. Everyone else is normal, but I am not.” Those messages are straight from our Inner Critic.
For example, if you experienced no physical touch growing up, there may be a subconscious message in you that says, “Something must be wrong with my body because no one shows me physical affection.” Over time, your Inner Critic takes that message and tells you, consciously, “You are not attractive. No one wants you. No one will ever touch you physically.” Additionally, when we are children, we may hear our parents’ Inner Critics, think those are normal, and then absorb that.
Shame and My Inner Critic
The two go hand-in-hand. Your Inner Critic usually is your shame narrative – the messages about who you are that are not true. This negative self-talk can significantly impact your self-esteem and overall mental health, leading to issues such as anxiety and depression.
How Can I Fix This?
To start, I encourage you to do the following:
Notice your Inner Critic’s messages. Observe how they make you feel. Notice how your body reacts physically, then see how you want to behave. For example, your Inner Critic tells you, “You are never going to get the promotion. You haven’t worked hard enough.” Next thing you know, your body feels like it’s shutting down. You feel numb and closed off, leading you to stare at your computer endlessly, wondering why you have worked so hard to get nothing in return. Or perhaps you experience your body going into overdrive, working harder than ever so you get noticed. Now you feel exhausted and overworked, and wonder when this will pay off.
Instead of complying with our Inner Critic’s messages, observe them and tell the Inner Critic, “Thank you for showing up. Would you please step aside?” Watch what happens next. Assuming it steps aside, observe your body and ask yourself, “How do I feel at the moment? Do I feel calm? At peace? Less agitated?” Then ask yourself, “What do my friends Grace and Compassion want me to know?”
What Does Healing Look Like for Me?
So many of us, understandably, want some type of formula. Give me A+B+C and then, poof! It’s solved! If only!
I believe one of the many beautiful parts of life is: we get to journey and wrestle. While the outcome can be rewarding, what really matters is the journey along the way. And our relationship journey with our Inner Critic is no exception. For example, when we criticize our Critic, it usually responds with more shame and condemnation. So, what if I show curiosity toward my Critic? What if I set a boundary with it? What if I hear what it says but not act on it?
At times, though, we may not recognize our Inner Critic’s voice because it sounds “normal.” So perhaps healing initially looks like learning to identify its voice and distinguishing it from truth’s voice. Or maybe it looks like taking a moment to breathe, be present in the moment, and compassionately tell your Inner Critic, ‘Thank you for showing. Could we speak later about this?”
Allowing trusted individuals into your journey can also be immensely helpful. We can share messages our Inner Critic haunts us with so that shame can be reduced. Finding people, including a therapist, can help us work through those condemning statements so they no longer grip us.
Concluding Thoughts
If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone, and there is an incredible amount of hope for you. You can heal; it may not look and feel like what you imagined, but as you reflect back one day, you may realize, “I actually love who I am.”
This Post Written By:
Houston Hough, LAC – Journeys Counseling Center
301 W. Warner Rd, Suite 133
Tempe, Arizona 85284
Phone: (480) 656-0500 x 16
Email: houston@journeyscounselingaz.com
