The High Expectations and Bitter Disappointment of Valentine’s Day: Re-Inventing Date Night and Ways to Connect

Feb 12

When you think back on all the Valentine’s Days you have had in your life, have you always had a plus one? Are they always wildly romantic? Have you always felt content and loved? If you are like most people, it’s doubtful. Even if you have had some nice Valentine’s Day experiences, chances are most of us can relate to the disappointment and pain that a day filled with expectations of love, hearts, and romance can bring.

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Recognizing the truth that not everyone has an ideal Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to explore the idea of making Valentine’s Day or any other day you plan to spend with your partner something that you both enjoy. After all, the point of Valentine’s Day (beyond the obvious commercialism) and the classic Date Night is to emotionally connect and feel loved by the other.

So, why do they so often go awry?

Having healthy expectations and honest conversations about your time together is the best way to ensure special events and regularly planned times together go well. Here are some of our favorite tips.

Re-Inventing Date Night

Think out of the box with what works for your schedule, family life, and when you have the most energy for connection.
Date night is NOT always on Friday or Saturday (and a Valentine’s Day celebration does NOT have to be on Valentine’s Day).
Therapy works, in part, because couples set aside an hour without phones, without kids, without work, and without other responsibilities, in order to listen to each other and have connecting or hard conversations. This mindset can be replicated even without a scheduled therapy session.
Define your date or protected time together as “fun” or “connecting” or “challenging” ahead of time - having healthy expectations of what the time is designed for helps prevent conflict.
If you do plan to have a challenging conversation, some couples like to plan these while they are moving or outside. This gives couples freedom and helps nervous systems stay regulated.

Discussion Questions for Couples

When is the best time for us to connect?
What is the day of the week, time of day, or weekend that works best for us on a regular basis?
Can we put “us” on our schedule?
What type of activity works well? How much time do we need?
What is our plan for protected time? Are we following through with that?
What are the barriers to our plan and how can we alleviate those?
What is our favorite way to celebrate each other?
Do we want to celebrate on holidays like Valentine’s Day or is it preferable to go against the grain and celebrate differently?

The more you communicate and know each other and your preferences, the more likely your planned time together will be positive. And, even if you get off track, you can use the same tips to recalibrate and have a do-over date or holiday.
Feel free to schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapists if you would like to brainstorm more on how to spend quality time with your partner. We’d love to help - before or after Valentine’s Day!