Disorganized Attachment: Learning to Feel Safe in Love
What Is a Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is another one of the four main attachment styles in attachment theory. It often develops in early childhood when caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear, perhaps due to trauma, abuse, or unpredictable behavior. Children in these environments experience conflicting impulses to seek closeness and to flee or freeze, resulting in confusion, distress, and difficulty forming coherent relational strategies.
In adulthood, this can manifest as:
Unpredictable behaviors in relationships
Difficulty trusting, combined with fear of intimacy
Shifting quickly between emotional withdrawal and intense closeness-seeking
A pervasive sense of internal chaos or fragmentation
At its core, this style raises the question: “Can I trust someone who is at once comforting and scary?”
Signs Of a Disorganized Attachment
If you're curious whether this attachment style resonates with you, here are some common indicators:
Emotional & Behavioral Clues
Abrupt shifts from seeking closeness to pushing people away
Feeling scared, overwhelmed, or emotionally dysregulated in relationships
Acting impulsively or erratically when stressed or triggered
Difficulty maintaining stability either emotionally or relationally
Relationship Patterns
Being drawn to partners who evoke both safety and fear
Feeling stuck between the urge to connect and impulse to flee
"Testing" relationships to see if the other person will stay even by pushing them away
Experiencing flashbacks, dissociation, or strong emotional numbing when triggered
Internal Dialogue
“I don’t know how I feel or who I am.”
“Love is confusing, so is fear.”
“If they love me, why do I feel petrified?”
“I want closeness but not like this.”
The Healing Process
Healing disorganized attachment isn’t about neatly resolving everything, but about learning to tolerate complexity, regulate internal chaos, and cultivate internal safety.
1. Ground Yourself in the Present
Use somatic tools (deep breathing, grounding exercises, calming routines) to anchor your nervous system during moments of overwhelm.
Ask yourself:
“Where am I right now?”
“What am I experiencing in my body, mind, and heart?”
“Is this moment safe or does it echo the past?”
2. Recognize and Name Patterns
Disorganization often hides beneath a veneer of chaos. Slowing down to observe triggers like flashbacks, dissociation, or emotional shutdown can help you respond with clarity rather than fear.
3. Co‑Regulate in Safe Relationship Spaces
Healing thrives in consistency. Whether in therapy, a stable friendship, or a loving partner, practicing vulnerability, even small steps can help you rewire for safety.
Try saying, “I notice I sometimes pull away when I feel scared. I’m working on it because I don’t want it to define how we connect.”
4. Build a Self‑Soothing Toolbox
Disorganized attachment can leave you feeling unmoored. Create rituals or tools that nurture you—journaling, body-centered practices, music, or small affirmations like “It’s okay to feel scared,” or “I am learning to feel safe in my own skin.”
5. Work with a Trauma‑Informed Therapist
Therapeutic modalities like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic therapies are especially helpful for disorganized attachment. These create space for healing fractured parts of the self and developing a coherent internal narrative.
Building Secure Bonds
As you heal, disorganized attachment can begin transforming into something more stable and integrated:
You may find a steadier sense of self and clearer emotional boundaries
You’ll begin to experience closeness without losing yourself or feeling swallowed by fear
You’ll learn to reach for connection without disintegrating in its presence
Secure attachment isn’t about perfection; instead, it’s about being able to feel, to survive, and to repair, even within complexity.
