You Are Not Too Much: Healing from Anxious Attachment
We all want love that feels safe, reciprocal, and secure, but for many, our early attachment patterns can make relationships feel more like emotional rollercoasters than safe havens. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much,” feared abandonment, or found yourself anxiously overanalyzing texts and silence, you might be navigating anxious attachment.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is one of the four main attachment styles identified in attachment theory (a framework that explains how we relate to others, especially in close relationships). These styles form in early childhood based on our interactions with caregivers and often continue into adulthood unless intentionally healed or reshaped.
Anxious attachment typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent, sometimes nurturing and available, other times dismissive, distracted, or emotionally unavailable. This unpredictability teaches the child that love and attention are uncertain, and must be “earned” by being on high alert, pleasing, or staying close at all costs.
In adulthood, this often translates into:
A deep fear of abandonment
Emotional hypersensitivity to relationship changes
Difficulty trusting that others will show up consistently
An internal belief of being “too much” or “not enough” to be loved
At the core of anxious attachment is the question:
“Will you still love me if I show you who I really am?”
This is your nervous system’s way of protecting you from pain. But those protective strategies can make relationships feel overwhelming and exhausting over time.
Signs You May Have Anxious Attachment
If you're wondering whether you lean toward an anxious attachment style, here are common signs to look for in your relationships (romantic, platonic, or even professional):
Emotional & Behavioral Clues
Fear of abandonment, even in stable relationships
Overanalyzing texts, silences, tone changes, or delays in response
A constant need for reassurance, feeling safe only when someone explicitly affirms their love or commitment
Difficulty being alone or feeling unworthy when not in a relationship
Becoming emotionally overwhelmed or reactive during conflict or disconnection
Often thinking, “Did I do something wrong?” or “Are they mad at me?” without clear evidence
Relationship Patterns
Falling hard and fast for new partners or friends
Tending to over-function in relationships (e.g., managing emotions, caretaking, avoiding conflict) to keep the peace
Clinginess or difficulty giving a partner space
Feeling drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, then feeling anxious and hurt by their distance
Feeling devastated or panicked when relationships end or shift, even briefly
Internal Dialogue
“If I don’t check in, they’ll forget about me.”
“Why do I always care more than they do?”
“I’m too sensitive, I should just get over it.”
“I don’t want to seem needy, but I can’t stop thinking about them.”
The Healing Process
Healing anxious attachment isn’t about becoming emotionally “independent” or detached—it’s about cultivating earned security: learning to trust yourself, regulate your emotions, and form healthier relational patterns.
1. Build a Relationship with Yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Start by exploring your emotional world with curiosity, not judgment. Journaling, therapy, or even mindful self-talk can help you recognize your triggers and unmet needs.
Ask yourself:
What do I need in this moment?
Is this fear based on the present or from the past?
Can I offer myself the reassurance I’m seeking externally?
2. Name Your Patterns
Awareness is the first step. Identify common triggers (e.g., silence, canceling plans, changes in tone) and your typical reactions. Then gently interrupt the cycle:
Instead of texting five times, pause and soothe your nervous system first.
Instead of overexplaining or apologizing unnecessarily, remind yourself: My needs are valid.
3. Practice Co-Regulation with Safe People
Healing happens in safe relationships. Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or therapist, practice vulnerability in spaces where your emotions are met with empathy, not dismissal.
Example: “I notice I feel really anxious when there are long pauses between communication. It’s not about you doing anything wrong, just something I’m working on. Can we talk about how to navigate that together?”
4. Learn Boundaries as an Act of Love
Many anxiously attached individuals struggle with boundaries out of fear of pushing others away. But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re bridges to healthier connections.
Setting a boundary might sound like:
“I need a little time to calm down before we talk so I can be fully present.”
“I care about us, and I also need to make sure I’m honoring what feels safe for me.”
5. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Therapy can be a powerful space to explore your attachment history, build nervous system regulation, and try new relational dynamics in a safe, guided environment. Modalities like EMDR, parts work (IFS), or somatic therapy are especially supportive for attachment-related work.
Building Secure Bonds
As you heal, you’ll notice shifts in how you relate to others:
You’ll seek connection from a place of choice, not desperation.
You’ll become more grounded during conflict.
You’ll trust that love isn’t something to chase, it’s something to build together.
Secure attachment isn’t about being perfect. It’s about trusting you can repair, reconnect, and regulate, even when things feel hard.
